We’ve all been there. We’ve loved, we’ve crashed. I was in a relationship with this guy for about a year and a month. He wasn’t exactly I hoped for to be with. His physical looks we’re okay, he wasn’t really my type. Personality wise, he was okay as well – smart, clever but a bit too loud and a bit too proud. However , these things don’t matter anymore when you fall in love. I learned to accept these flaws and then eventually turned things into something beautiful.
We started living together in an early stage of our relationship. It’s as if we could not get enough of each other. We wanted to be together almost everyday and every night. Despite his European work hours and my school hours, somehow we managed to keep our free times to ourselves.
We had a lot of differences. He liked to go out a lot, I liked to stay home. Whenever I’m in a relationship, I’d rather stay home than keep going out to drink. I’ve always thought that what I had was enough. I did not need to go out and get drunk every other night. Come to think of it though, his passion to work and earn money was twice more than the liters of beer he drinks. But there are just nights that I cannot handle him whenever he goes home after a long night of partying. This made me very depressed.
A few weeks after an important event in my life, he broke up with me. I think my depression got into him. I asked him if there was something wrong in our relationship. “When it’s good it’s really good, and when it’s bad it is very bad.” he replied. I could not wrap these words around my head at that time. I cried and cried for several days and finally moved out from the apartment that we shared together.
I wasn’t exactly proud to what I’ve done to him weeks after our break-up. Pain and betrayal make people do things. I don’t remember if I’ve ever apologised to him, but somehow I hope he has forgiven me. I took a soul searching break around the Philippines, as it was a present from my parents. My first stop was in Tueguegarao, Cagayan – it is the city where my mom and sisters grew up. It is famous for their garlic longanisa, carabao milk candies, and Pancit Batil Patong. I went there to visit my grandmother, cousins, aunt, uncle, and my grandfather who is now with the Universe. A few days after, I went straight to Davao and visited my father and his girlfriend. My dad gave me the privilege to stay in a beautiful resort the whole time I was there. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to cry my heart out. I wanted to be okay.
I called him. Not just once but several times. I told him I could not do it. I told him I will not be okay. But he assured me that I will be okay. He promised that things will get better and that someday I will thank him. I chose to put my chin up high and went on to my journey. After visiting Davao, I went straight to Boracay ready to have some company and partying. The first few nights wasn’t wild like how I expected. I even in fact caught myself staring at the ocean a few times thinking about him. On our last night, I told a friend that I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to party, meet new people and just go wild. ‘Mama’s back.’ I thought.
After dinner, my friend went to a bar to drink some mojitos. I was getting a little bit drunk. A guy sat on the throw pillows across us. He was alone which was a bit weird. I continued talking to my friend how miserable I was in a result of me shouting “I’m so hopeless!”. The guy turned his head and laughed at me. “I’m sorry?” he asked. My friend and I both laughed at the embarrassment I just did upon myself. I asked him where he was from and answered, “Holland.” ‘Oh! a familiar territory.’ I thought. “Alles goed?” I asked. He smiled and answered that everything is good with him, and asked why I can speak Dutch.
Another guy came in, puzzled as to why his friend was talking to us. The friend explained to him about the awkward situation we started in and then decided to accompany us. An hour and a half later, more of their friends arrived mixed with girls and boys. We all drank more and invited us to go back in their villa. It was a hell of a wild night. These Dutchies know how to party. Definitely.
My friend and I went back to our hotel about six (6) in the morning, took a nap for an hour and straight to the airport to go back home. “Oh no.’ I thought, ‘I am back to reality again.’ I had to think about my ex-boyfriend again, and I have no distractions at all anymore. I didn’t want to wake up everyday crying again. I didn’t want to spend my whole day thinking about how a wreck I was.
I cried to Tiffany and asked for guidance. She told me one specific thing, “Remember when I got my heart broken? You told me to go out there and start dating again.” At that time it didn’t cross my mind to have intimate meet-ups with a different man. I was insecure if someone will ever love me again. I was so desperate to move on that I did what I had to do – I downloaded that damn dating app.
It was so weird for me to be back on it again. Swipe left. Swipe Right. Over and over again. It felt tedious for me I didn’t feel like I had to do this. I stopped using it but I never erased my account. I was in Baguio City with my family when I received a text from him expressing his anger that his friends saw me on the app. “You broke up with me remember?” I replied. I was so furious at him that we fought over the phone that morning.
It was really over. It was too much, I had to let this go. This man obviously didn’t want me to be in his life anymore, then so be it. When I got back in Manila, I met several guys on the app and probably went out with one or two of them. I wasn’t still feeling it. I lacked confidence in myself. Where was the Inna I once knew? Then I realized that I was not happy with how I looked. I wanted a big change.
Thanks to my sister’s corporate account at Gold’s Gym, I got a special discount for my membership. I worked out twice a day, six days a week. Zumba classes in the morning and boot camp classes in the afternoon – I wanted to achieve my goal: A Revenge Delicious Body. I got addicted to working out and got more addicted buying new clothes for myself. I was getting my confidence back, I was getting myself back. Dates after dates and after dates. Mama’s back bitches! I’ve met a couple of good men along the way that were potential romantic interests, but at the end obviously it didn’t work out with them.
One afternoon, I received a wedding invitation from my good friends, and oh my goodness in Bohol! And of course, addressed to my ex-boyfriend and I. I had my doubts going to the wedding as that invitation was meant for the both of us. I consulted my mom and asked what was the best thing to do. “Of course you will go!” she said. “You will not miss this wedding just because of him!”
Fast forward to the day of my flight I was alone in an airport surrounded by my friends’ relatives and friends from India. I was the odd one out. I felt like a loser. Alone. Nobody with me. ‘Stupid ex-boyfriend!’ I thought, ‘Why now?!’
I arrived the beautiful island of Panglao in Bohol. The hotel I stayed in was really nice, and I’m so happy that my ex-boyfriend was missing out on this! I settled myself in fast, called my friends and told them how I was in such a beautiful place. Next thing I thought where the gym was located. Yes, I was addicted. I didn’t hinder myself from working out just because I am not home. I was doing so well on the first few days there, til’ I received a call from Globe. They were calling regarding the new internet installation of my ex-boyfriend’s at his new place. Funny, my number was still on their system under his name. I politely told them that I am not with him, and that they should never contact my number again. Day ruined again. Why’d you have to remind me of him? Okay fine, you were just doing your job, but why now?!
I made myself a warm bubble bath and cried my heart out. Again. My goodness, when will this madness stop? I sent my good friend, Phil, a message and told him that I did not want to be alive anymore. I turned off my phone, sank into my bubble bath and relaxed. Minutes later, both of the room phones in the bathroom and by the study table were ringing. Weird. I answered, and it was Phil. “How?!” I gasped. “How? What? How did you know?” “Magic!” he said, “I got so worried about you. You told me you didn’t want to live anymore and next thing you turned off your phone.”
“I’m so sorry.” I apologised, “Of course I am not going to do that, and it is definitely stupid of me to do something like that. But seriously, how did you reach me?”
“Well it was quite easy. I knew that you were in Bohol but I did not know your hotel. So I googled luxury resorts in Panglao and looked at the photos then compared to the photos you sent me. I immediately found your hotel, called the lobby and demanded them to get connected to you.”
Phil at that time was currently working in his office in Paris, France.
“I love you.” I told him, “I really do. You are the best!”
I felt good right after that call. I felt good because I know that there’s a huge potential that someone will really love me still. If Phil can love me in this way, and so can the others. I had high hopes for the future. There are so many possibilities coming my way and I can just feel it.
I enjoyed the rest of my friends’ wedding, it was very beautiful. I never attended a Hindi wedding before so to me it was so special. At that moment I decided I wanted a Hindi inspired wedding for my own when I get married.
I went back home again with a different attitude. I decided to be happy. I deserved to be happy. Not just you ex-boyfriend, not just you.
Just got out from a relationship? I recommend you to watch – That Thing Called Tadhana. No more questions, just watch it. Hollywood is more of your taste? Watch Wild. How about Bollywood? Watch Queen.
Watch out for the second part of this post, this time in Europe!